Turkmenistan. No, not Turkey, although you can be forgiven for getting them a bit confused. But they are very, very different. Although the Turkmen language is very, very similar to Turkish, I don’t think they can understand each other that well. Turkmenistani people are called Turkmen, they speak Turkmen, but just like the Turks they are also a Turkic people, but let’s try not get them confused ok?!!
So, with that out the way, welcome to Turkmenistan… the second most craziest, closeted country in the world, only surpassed by our friends in North Korea. But let’s go back a little, because there is a huge amount of curious mythology surrounding this secretive Central Asian country of 7 million… and we’ve got to get our heads around it!
Founded after the fall of the USSR back in ‘91… with the incumbent communist party governor given free rein to create his own little kingdom, fiefdom… dictatorship if that’s what you’d prefer to call it. And I’m not being flippant here… if you google Wikipedia it will describe its government as a
“Unitary presidential republic under a totalitarian hereditary dictatorship”
The old saying is that power corrupts, not necessarily the case here, but power certainly created a very interesting personality in the form of what they still to this day dotingly refer to as “our first president”. But what we in the west would more likely refer to as an eccentric, egotistical meglomanic.
Saparmurat Niyazov came to power in 1992. He wasn’t voted in, but rather just unexpectedly assumed the role. And I guess in his first bold move, and perhaps indicative of what was to come, he promptly renamed himself “Turkmenbashi” (Father of the Turkmen) and declared himself President for Life.
When pressed over the years by the US and the west as to when he would hold democratic elections, his reply was always “when the people are ready for democracy”. Sadly after 20 years of rule and 3 further presidents (including his dentist and the dentist’s son), the rulers of the country are still of the opinion that the people are not ready, and in doing so have transformed Turkmenistan into one of the most tightly controlled and isolated regimes in the world.
Here are some of the crazy and downright bizarre stories about Turkmenistan and it's infamous leader that we had heard before our arrival and were keen to see for ourselves…
He renamed the months of the year and days of the week after himself and his family… January became Turkmenbashi after himself, February as Baydak after the Turkmen Flag, April as Gurbansoltan after his mother, September was named after his book Ruhnama. Monday became First day, Wednesday Favourable Day, Friday Mother’s Day” and Saturday was called Soul Day and was when he ordered citizens to read his book… (more on that below)
Banned opera, ballet, circuses and philharmonic orchestras as they were “alien to Turkmen culture”
Shut down cinemas and opened a puppet theatre
Banned lip-syncing and the playing of recorded music at public events, concerts, and on television, arguing that it was harming the development of Turkmen culture and music
After having to quit smoking due to his own heart surgery, he banned smoking in all public places and ordered all government employees to follow suit
Banished dogs from the capital city because of their "unappealing odour" and banned citizens from owning more than one cat or dog
Replaced the Turkmen word for bread and replaced it his mother’s name
Reduced hours of school by half – so kids go to school for only half of the week
Reduced university places to 10%
Banned foreign language classes – because the Turkmen language was the only language required
But then ordered the country's oil minister to learn English in 6 months or be fired
Banned listening to the radio in cars – because it would prevent the state from being able to listen in to conversations
Banned gold teeth (often worn by women to ensure a source of wealth in later life) and suggested that young Turkmen should chew bones like dogs to strengthen their teeth instead…. “I watched young dogs when I was young. They were given bones to gnaw to strengthen their teeth. Those of you whose teeth have fallen out did not chew on bones. This is my advice...”
Banned the reporting and even mentioning of contagious diseases such as AIDS or cholera
Considered male children superior and introduced the girls name “Enough” (Besteir) or Fed Up (Boyduk) for families bearing multiple girl babies
Banned goatee beards and long hair on men
Ordered that doctors should swear an oath to him instead of the Hippocratic Oath.
Fired 1,500 doctors and medical staff and replaced them with young military recruits (wtf?)
Ordered the closure of all hospitals outside Ashgabat, stating that the sick should go to the capital for treatment
Ordered the closure of all libraries outside the capital, stating that the countryside didn’t need libraries because people were “illiterate” and didn’t use them
Made the Turkmen language mandatory for all state communications, and purged public institutions of officials who were not fluent in Turkmen.
Banned news reporters and presenters from wearing makeup on television as he felt presenters should "appear natural" on-screen, although it has also been said because he found it difficult to distinguish male anchors from female anchors
Ordered that each broadcast begin with a pledge that the broadcaster's tongue would shrivel if he/she slanders the country, flag, and/or president
Fired his meteorologist as he didn’t like the weather forecast
Banned video games because they were "too violent for young Turkmens”
Demanded people smile all the time
Renamed ketchup
Made the second Sunday of August "Melon Day" in honour of melons, one of his favourite foods, which he referred to as a "gift of God with a glorious history"
Encouraged women to stop wearing Islamic or western clothes and start wearing traditional Turkmen dresses
And if you wanted to marry a foreigner you would have to pay 50,000USD
Yes he was pretty nuts alright, and he was incredibly adept at creating his own cult of personality.. He renamed a city, schools, airports, Ashgabat streets, and even a meteorite after himself and members of his family. He erected statue after statue of himself in the capital and beyond, the craziest being a $12m gold statue of himself which rotated with the sun so that his face was always basked in sunlight. Other statues have him sitting, striding, waving, saluting, and one even showed him as a golden child, seated in the lap of his bronze mother. And he apparently gave every citizen a watch with his portrait in its dial....hilarious!
But perhaps the best thing he did was to write his own “spirituality guidebook” called the Ruhnama in which he espoused his thoughts and ideas on how Turkmen culture and history and advised citizens how they should live their lives. This became compulsory reading for his people – and became the basis for the national curriculum – children and government employees were made to learn it off by heart, and if you wanted to get a driver’s license you had to be able to recite it as well, even at job interviews. He also claimed that if you read it three times you would go to heaven.
And perhaps even more outlandish, given that Turkmenistan is nominally a Muslim country, called himself God's prophet on earth and tried to convince the head mullah to read from the Ruhnama in place of the Koran…
However his dentist to whom he gave power to after his death, while not exactly as eccentric, was also more than a bit crazy. He didn’t like the colour black, or any colour other than white so it seems, and so the story goes that one morning people in the city of Ashgabat who owned black cars woke up to find that their cars were missing.. they had been taken away over night. Soon this spread to other colour cars and citizens were only allowed them back after they had them painted white. Or silver, silver was ok too.
He also didn’t like dirty cars, so your car was banned from entering the capital if it was dirty. But he did like circuses so overthrew the previous ban and reinstated the traditional big top circus – complete with clowns, fire-eaters, jugglers, lion-tamers and trapeze artists.
More seriously though, he has recently banned satellite dishes claiming they ruin the view of the city, demanded residents remove the air-conditioning units on the exterior walls of their flats to improve the city's appearance, and of course most famously banned the internet… And this is only the stuff that we have actually heard about!!
If all of that’s not enough to make you want to give this place a visit, I’m not sure what is! The one little problem however being that it is an extremely difficult country to get into, only a limited number of tourist visas are issued each year, the country literally shuts down its borders for the entire month of October (so they can celebrate their independence days) and there is no possibility to travel freely… you will be escorted by a “guide” at all times. And you can be sure that this guide is not only just a guide... ours was on the phone reporting in almost every 30 minutes...
But - and massive thanks to Eric - after months of planning, persistence and patience - we finally received our letter of invitation, were assigned our “guide” aka government minder and we were all set.
Welcome to Turkmenistan!!
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